Monday, October 25, 2010

Life at half speed.

In my normal mind things should move perfectly from one idea to the next but my mind doesn’t behave like a normal mind should. My life is lived in starts and stops and restarts agains. It lacks a certain continuity which I still morn on the very bad days and marvel at on the very good days.

Names, words, meanings, abilities fade in and out on a regular schedule but nothing (so far) has been found, physically or mentally, to explain why I tick-tock the way I tick-tock. It’s weird and intriguing, unbearably frustrating at times and unnoticeable at others. So I sit, stand, clunk about, modify my life to work around the crazy haze that takes over my brain every few weeks. Things are in a perpetual state of disarray. Solutions are still foggy, but progress is being made.

A year of simplify, has actually turned into two.

One solution that has slowly been implementing over the last few years is a concerted effort to simplify my life. Most of simplification has stemmed from a hard, drawn out adjustment in accepting the dysfunctional me as being non-fixable. Instead of continuing the years of self blaming, suck it up buttercup type pep talks, I’ve decided to just role with my wacky ol’ self.

Don’t get me wrong I still complain and cruse the whack-a-mole nervous system I possess but it is what it is and that’s not going to change any time soon. There is humor in the situation and the ‘simplify to function’ has brought my good days into more productive focus. So I’m here. I’m okay, even when I not, and that’s okay too.

I think this is the most I’s I’ve ever used in a blog post, so apologies for that. I keep thinking if I can just self analyze my natural rhythms a little more an answer will become clear. So I guess the intent of this blog is just to share a glimpse inside my head. Though I won’t guarantee any regularity because of the reasons stated above.

Until we meet again.